if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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