Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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