how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
