you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
