the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
