I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
