i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
