So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
