I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
