thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
