I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I need to align my fucking chakras
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
