I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
