Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
