You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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