I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Randomize
