so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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