i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
i've created a new STD.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
