i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
