I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
