I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize
