I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Randomize
