What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
