I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
