I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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