I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
