Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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