I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
