i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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