I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He? As in you personified your dick?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
