It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
