I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
