ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
