FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
