i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
