Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
