If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
