Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
