Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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