went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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