it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
