Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
