I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
