My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
