what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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