Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
