4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
