____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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