Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
