the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
