Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
my poor anus
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
