The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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