Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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